Listen. Tinnitus fucking blows.

by Jackie Neale

© Jackie Neale @therealjackiephoto - This image cannot be redistributed without permission/editorial payment from the photographer

I only listen to music one way: loudly.

It’s been years. My ears ring with tinnitus. At all times. And the only way to “get rid of it” is to distract myself from the sound. i.e. a fan, or a noise cancellation machine, or listening to something louder than the ringing. Like, for example, music playing loudly.

Because of my solid commitment to go to see as much music in my lifetime as possible, I’m doing a great job of blocking out the ringing for a great deal of my life with tinnitus (now on about 20 years). In the past, I would go see shows at bars and small to medium rooms that weren’t particularly known for their amazing acoustics. I used to stand close to the speakers, because I loved to feel the bass (I still do love it). I imagine this is the origin of my tinnitus.

I’m no doctor, not even a betting man, but logic would tell you, I should’ve been wearing earplugs in all of these clubs like… The Khyber Pass, JC Dobbs, The Trocadero, Upstairs at Nick’s, McQuire’s Erin Bar The Greater Pittsburgh, The Charleston, The Mighty Robot, Brownies, The Lakeside Lounge, The old, old Knitting Factory, Arlene’s Grocery, Trash Bar, Larry Lawrence, The old, old Luna Lounge, Pink Pony, Tonique, North Sixth (where I was a bouncer), every basement show, every gymnasium show, etc… yeah, just about every show. All of them accumulated into this ring.

When The Mercury Lounge opened on the Lower East Side, it was there that I realized the necessity of attending shows in an acoustically sound room equalized and balanced by a professional and talented audio engineer.

It made all the difference. Sonically I don’t think I really ever understood the importance of standing in the center of a room, the closeness to the audio engineer, the array and cascading of the speakers, monitors, mics, and amps are all really important to not only enjoying every nuance of the music, but the impact it would have on my ears.

“Tinnitus is defined as the conscious perception of an auditory sensation in the absence of a corresponding external stimulus.” - Juliette Gagliardi

I’ve had it for a while, but this time the ringing is coming on strong. Kinda louder than ever, and… I don’t think it’s going to just fade into the background. Ear Damage. Such a great record store, but its reality is a really crappy age related thing that sort of compounds the whole aging shit show. A decided marker of an old punk is now expensive earplugs. Worse news, this time around, I think it might be a marker of another age related thing; getting a shit ton of vaccinations. The kind you only get when you reach a certain age.

It is more prevalent in middle-aged people. I should’ve known.

Fast forward, over the 21 years while living in Brooklyn, new music venues have opened in Philadelphia. I have recently relocated back down to Philly, and I am new to their sound and stage setups. They had some really great bands coming through post-pandemic, and I was intent on making it out to see some shows now that things were getting back to normal crowd-wise, etc.

Last November in 2023, Quicksand came through town and played at Underground Arts. It was on the heels of overall pandemic trepidation. Underground Arts, to me, was a big(ish) room for the show, and I knew it would be packed. The tour was for their 30th anniversary of one of my favorite Quicksand albums, Slip. It was the holiday season, cold out, no windows or doors-open kind-of-thing, but I didn’t want to miss it. The things we all had to be concerned about during the pandemic and now freak out about, when before it was no big deal were all still top of mind.

So needless to say I made a point of going for a full work-up of vaccinations, top to bottom in a sort of preparation; Covid-19 vax, Flu vax, and the first of two Shingles vaccination shots two weeks before the show. So, I would be good to go. And wowza, shit man, that particular cocktail of vaccinations walloped me. But I got over it and was prepared to be in a crowd, go see shows, and I was psyched to be back in concert-going form.

Seeing shows, it’s a commitment.

A time. A place. People. Commitment. Quicksand was introduced to me by an old friend, Ross. Their albums lit a fire in me I still find hard to control. Back in the 90’s, before I left for New York, Ross and I could be found at random red lights, doors thrown open with Quicksand blasting until the light turned green. To this day nothing can stop the electricity and pulse of Fazer, Transparent, Landmine Spring, Thorn in My Side, from possessing me (us). Fact: you can even find photographs on the world wide web of me on top of a bar at Beer Street in Williamsburg jumping (pogoing?) to Quicksand.

Ask anyone. I have been carting around awesome stereo speakers and my component system from apartment to apartment since I left my parents place to NYC in 1990. Bose and Infinity bookshelf speakers were my choice because of their bass and clarity. Sure new bluetooth speakers are compact, but rarely are they ever loud enough to hear the complexities of albums like Houses of the Holy or Gish or Manic Compression or The Unforgettable Fire.

So, I keep my awesome speakers. Still. And I absolutely love having my friend, Nick (and others) over to listen to records, old recordings of obscure bands, his recordings from Rain Still Falls and Kill It, and now, his son, Aiden’s recordings (very MBV, needs to be loud of course), other new bands, all types of music from Jazz to Taylor Swift listening together, loudly. I have the room set up like the Maxell Tape commercial guy. For optimal listening.

Listening to music as it splits and pulsates through your body is one of the most transformational experiences I am lucky to still have. Loudly. At least for me. It’s not required, and parties maybe aren’t suited for that kind of enjoyment. But in a concert hall, a bar, dance hall, festival, or in the small confounds of your living room theater, loud Quicksand seems like the only Quicksand. I hope to do it until I am in the grave.

Question: Would you rather lose your sight or your hearing?

For me, if I had to choose, even as a photographer, I would rather lose my sight than hearing. I kinda panicked post the Quicksand show. Because my ears were ringing so loudly.

Even though I had my expensive ear plugs in that evening my ears were set ablaze and rang an extra ordinary, super loud. So much louder than before. It was for days, weeks, months. I thought I would never have peace again, even the mild-ish ringing from before would do. I was really starting to freak out about it. And I essentially began to panic that it was because of the Quicksand show that it was coming in so hot. I was worried it was either the venue and its audio mix for the room, or it was from the decibels of the kind of music. I didn’t know, but either reason was enough to concern me. Ultimately, my worst fear was that it might keep me from seeing live music.

I began to shy away from shows. Terrible idea. My soul was starved.

It wasn’t until I asked my friend Katy, who also went to the Quicksand show with me, whether she was having similar ringing or intensity, that she told me she read reports that some of the recent vaccinations had been known to have tinnitus as a side effect.

On one hand, I was relieved to know it wasn’t the music or the venue. But on the other hand, I was feeling that it might be permanent. And maybe it is/was? I mean the tinnitus I had before (less loud ringing) was something I was told I would have to live with and simply distract myself from hearing so prominently.

Insert eyeroll.

But back to what really distracts me from hearing the ringing. Loud music. If I ever needed an excuse to see live music, I am happy it is to keep me from hearing a nagging ringing in my ears.

I started going out to see shows again.

I wear my fancy earplugs and am making sure to go to clubs/shows that have a solid speaker setup for the room and are known for excellent audio mixing to lessen the possible blow on my ears (TLA for the win?!). And, seven months later, it seems the two are coming together. The high, ear piercing ringing has lessened back down to the old 13,000hz ring from before. It appears the vax effect + intense show has calmed itself down. Though it feels like a cautionary tale for music lovers. Take care of your ears, but also keep in mind, seemingly unrelated things can instigate or amplify a concert-goer's nightmare of not being able to tolerate loud music any longer.

The scariest part of the ringing was the idea of not being able to go to hear live music anymore. And with a little care before it’s too late we can all hopefully enjoy loud music for a very long time.

That said, I seriously look forward to seeing Quicksand’s next celebratory tour for their Manic Compression 30 yr anniversary! It’s my very favorite album, so I’ll see ya there!

Jackie Neale is a photographer and photographic artist working out of New York, Philadelphia and Collingswood. She shoots music, personalities, and art world people, but also exhibits her work widely in the U.S. and abroad in Venice, Milan, Malta, Mexico, Canada, and more.

Find her on Instagram: @therealjackiephoto